Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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