i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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