Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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