someone owes me an orgasm
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you had me at cake vodka
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize