Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
