I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
