I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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