you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
