oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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