there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
