On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
