I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
