I just cut my nipple shaving
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
