and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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