drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sorry my hands just texted you
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
