I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
