Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
