do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize