i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
