i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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