I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
