i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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