Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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