i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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