I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Boobs speak an international language.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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