Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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