you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
