So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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