Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
