oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
