You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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