I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
