Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
