This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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