im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
