our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
