her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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