Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
