My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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