Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
