So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
