He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
