Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
