No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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