Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
