You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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