she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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