My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
