so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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