I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
