she woke up with a sticky ear
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Everyone says I win the strip club
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
