I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
