My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
