someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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