Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
