Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
