I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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