Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
