I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
