I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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