we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
