Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
