do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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