I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
