Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
