I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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