You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize