speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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