By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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