About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
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